If you can't say anything nice....

Growing up in a home with seven other siblings, it seemed the phrase "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" was the music that played in the background of my childhood. Silence was preferred over harsh or angry words. Understandably so. However, a common confusion results from this sing-song advice. The misconception is this--as long as you don't speak out loud the mean things you are thinking, you are not doing anything wrong.

The problem with this reasoning is that it is completely false. Our thoughts do matter. 2 Corinthians 5:10 says to "take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ."

I'm mentally picturing animated thoughts as little soldiers

Besides Inside Out takes on Call of Duty, What does this verse mean? This verse proves a number of important points. Number one: our thoughts do matter. We are accountable for what we think. Number two: God demands obedience from us in EVERY aspect, including our thoughts. Number three: we do have control over what we think. God enables us through the Holy Spirit to reign in those sinful thoughts.

I want to make clear a very important point. I am not referring to instantaneous thoughts that pop into your head. I realize that we do not have control over those. However, once those thoughts come into our mind we have two choices. One; we can nip the thought in the bud and think about something else. Or two; keep the thought fermenting in our mind making us sour as well.

I think about in my own life how I so often times keep thoughts around. I dwell on a situation, recalling again and again how rude that lady I waited on was to me. I would imagine what I would have said if I was a different person. I often hear it said that what we focus on gets magnified. When we dwell on the wrong someone has committed against us; that situation becomes magnified as well as our emotions regarding the situation.

Another important point to make is that we can only think something for so long until it becomes more than just what we think. I can only imagine giving sass back to people I wait on for so long until I actually start giving sass. Our thoughts have a lot of power over us and can determine our actions whether we want them to or not.

My freshman year of high school I was friends with someone who would curse a lot. Not being a swearer myself, I did not think I was in any danger being around this person because my fifteen year old self had it all figured out. I was strong enough not to be influenced by this person. However, after months of being around this person my thoughts started to sound a whole lot like my friend's voice. If I forgot something, my mind would sound like my friend's voice. If I hurt myself, my thoughts would sound like my friend's voice. If I was angry, my thoughts would sound like my friend's voice.
I still remember this day like it was yesterday. I was talking to this same friend about something that had occurred the day before when suddenly his jaw dropped to the floor. In that same moment, I realized what his reaction was all about. I had just cussed. Unknowingly. In a normal everyday conversation. I had spent so much time THINKING the curse words that it was only a matter of time before I actually spoke them.

Philippians 4:8 says: "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things."

God does not just tell us to not think about bad things. He actively encourages us to dwell on everything good and admirable. Why? because our actions reflect our thoughts. If our thoughts are negative, our actions will be negative. If our thoughts are positive, our actions will be positive. If our thoughts are always focused on ourselves, our actions will be selfish. If our thoughts are focused on others, our actions will reflect service.

It's a concept so simple, it seems juvenile. However, aren't the most difficult things usually the most simple sounding?

A friend of mine has a saying: Sew an attitude, reap a thought. Sew a thought, reap an action. Sew an action, reap a habit. Sew a habit, reap a character. Sew a character, reap a destiny.

Or thoughts are directly correlated to what kind of person we become.

Our mouth isn't the issue. It's our hearts. Matthew 12:24 says: "out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks." The issue alone does not rest of what you said. It goes further than even what you thought. It goes to the core; the reason WHY you thought such a thing, and why you let the thought fester inside so long. It goes to root issues like jealously, anger, bitterness, resentment, discontent. None of those things are pure or lovely or admirable. None of those things should be taking up any space in our hearts.

Christ came so that he might give us freedom from the chains of our thoughts. He came so that he might give us freedom from the depths of our sinful hearts. 2 Corinthians 5:17 says: "Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has gone away, behold, the new has come."

When we are made new in Christ, we are a new creation. We have a new heart. Our hearts are no longer sin infested but filled with the Holy Spirit. It is fruitless to try to change our thoughts without the Holy Spirit. Yet, though the Holy Spirit, we are given power to work though even our most deep seeded thought battles.

So, no. Instead of not saying anything at all when we can't say anything nice, we should reflect on our thoughts and deal with the heart issue going on there.        

A cup too full

As a believer in Jesus Christ I am often around people who talk about the goodness God is doing in their life. They speak about how God is blessing them abundantly and how he is doing far more in their life than they could have ever imagined a few years ago. They freely talk of the wealth they have been blessed with that they simply had to do without a year ago. Interestingly enough, they have found a place for every single penny; not one of those places being the offering tray at church.

I also hear people speak of mentors they have in their life. They talk about how certain people have walked into their life and shown them God's love, mercy, and generosity. They talk about how much they admire that person or persons; how they wouldn't have been able to get through such-and-such trial without so-and-so. They tell freely about the people who held their hand through multiple trials and were their rock--the person who encouraged and inspired them to grow closer to God and develop a closer and more intimate relationship with him. However, you don't always see those same people show the same level of love, generosity and Godly influence in others' lives. You don't always see those same people invest in others to the same degree they were invested in.

Sometimes when Christians talk of others investing in their spiritual walk, they say that they "poured into them." Well, let's say for the sake of an illustration, that the spiritual "pouring" into is milk. If you are continually being poured into, with milk, the milk will eventually go sour. You only need as much milk as can fill your cup. When your cup starts to overflow--with blessing and encouragement--that's when it is your turn to pour out onto others so that their cup may too overflow and they can continue the cycle.

Its an illustration, and a rough one at that, however, I think it makes my idea pretty clear.

To make it understood I am not under any impression this illustration does not apply to me, and to prove that I am not some self righteous Pharisee pretending I am better than the people I am speaking to, I will speak of myself instead of the hypothetical person.

I am currently in Georgia sitting inside a cute coffee shop in midtown Columbus. I have a full belly from a quesadilla that my wonderful friend made for me amidst her work. I have been able to read, write and blog all day while she works her job at the coffee house. I was able to afford a trip to come visit her because of God's provision for me and his unrelenting protection. He blessed me with a job where he blessed my hand at waitressing; making my successful and respected. In this moment, it would be easy for me to imagine that I got myself here. It would be easy to give myself all the credit for the tips I received at work. However, if anyone has ever served before, they know that actually getting a tip is sometimes a miracle. Anyone who has ever served before knows that its an act of God if all your tables get all their food right even if you entered the order in correctly. I have no reason to boast of anything.

It is an act of God that I arrived safely from Indiana to Georgia. Nothing went wrong with my flight. there was no delay. The plane didn't crash. I am still alive. Sometimes, living from one day to the next is the biggest miracle of all.

I was recently talking with one of the women in my life who have faithfully poured into me. We sat warming our hands on white glazed clay coffee mugs, sipping our black coffee with our heads bent toward each other talking in soft and rapid tones of excitement. I was sharing with her the joyful news of how God had miraculously made a way for me to be able to go on the missions trip. I started sharing with her what God had revealed to me. I told her that I often find myself falling into depression and self-pity; in those times I inevitably focus on myself. I focus on all the wrong I feel people are doing to me, how unjustly I feel I am being treated, how no one understands what I am going through, and how I am all alone even though I have a Savior who gave up his life for me and has never left my side.

I confessed that I was self-centered. I was selfish. I was miserable to be around. But then I started serving. I told her I have recently began watching a couple families' children in the mornings. I told her that by watching those kids, I have found my attention is drawn less on myself and instead pointed toward the children I am watching, loving, serving, and protecting. Children do something for selfish and self-centered people. They have such an abandon and a trust for people. They truly humble people. When a child, or children depend one-hundred percent on you to keep them safe, there is no time to wallow in self-pity. I found that by focusing solely on myself in an effort to relieve my depression, I simply made it worse. The greatest thing you can do is NOT focus on yourself--love and serve others and you will find the burden begins to lift.

When a cup of milk becomes too full, it goes sour. When we are continually being poured into, yet never pour into others in return; we go sour as well.

I encourage you today to sit and think about the blessings you have in your life--the people who have invested in you and the blessings God has bestowed on you. I want you then to think about how you can return their goodness to you by becoming that person to someone else. By giving to others what had has freely given you. We are not called as Christians to be blessed; we are called to serve and bless others. God blesses us just because he's awesome.

Over and out.

Happiness VS. Joy

Happiness, they say, is elusive. Happiness finds you some days and other days it's off somewhere in the produce isle checking out the Granny Smith apples that are half off; only you are stuck behind Madame Slowsberry as she parks her cart in the center of the isle and looks as if it might be less of a headache to wait for her than to ask her to move over. 

so where is happiness in those times of frustration and annoyance?

happily chomping on a nice crisp apple nowhere to be found by you

of course, that is how it seems most days

The truth is. Happiness is much like your keys. You always have them up until the moment you have to drive and then suddenly when you need them, they're nowhere to be found. simply put the moment we desperately need happiness, it deserts us. 

Happiness peaks the moment you find out you made it into your dream college but then quickly seeps away as you realize that you won't be able to afford it.

Happiness is there the moment your crush FINALLY texts you, but then quickly catches the first flight out of there once you realize he is about as interesting as a box of rocks.

Happiness holds your hand as you buy your first NAKED palette, but disappears somewhere when you realize that you have no idea how to use it. 

I find it highly interesting that out world is so obsessed with obtaining the unobtainable. It isn't rocket science that happiness only comes in spurts. Everyone knows it doesn't last. So why are there countless books, countless public speakers, countless diets, and countless tips on how to get and keep this happiness. It is impossible. and the failure people feel from not being able to keep what has never been meant to be kept leaves people in a feeling of worthlessness and failure.  

Even God, the creator of the perfect paradise for the very first humans. The creator of all humanity. he explained that life was not intended to be happy all the time.  "I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."  John 16:33 

In this world you will have trouble

In this world you will not be happy all the time

In this world, you will not enjoy lemonade and pick daises all the time

It is extremely frustrating for me to see young girls and guys get their information about happiness off Facebook or other social networking sites. To them, happiness is posting a big smile on Instagram and getting a whole bunch of likes. 

To them, happiness comes from getting advice from reliable BuzzFeed articles (I'm not saying they are bad, because I enjoy a Buzz every now and again) However, my problem is that people are given all the wrong information about this misunderstood happiness. 

It isn't even happiness we should be looking for. 

ItS JOY. HAPPINESS'S TOTALLY UNDERVALUED COUSIN WHO WAS ACTUALLY THE BETTER CHILD BUT GOT NONE OF THE CREDIT.  *gasp of air*

wait, so whats the difference between happiness and joy?

Well jeepers, I am so glad you asked because I have an answer! Happiness is defined as a fleeting or unanticipated present good. Joy, however, is described as only something possible through the supernatural.

Welp. I guess we are all doomed then because I ain't got no Netflix and can't watch no Supernatural.

SUPERNATURAL AS IN JESUS WHO LIKE WALKED ON WATER AND HEALED BLIND MEN AND RAISED DEAD MEN FROM THE GRAVE. I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU BUT I WOULD CONSIDER THAT PRETTY SUPER NATRAL-ESK 

Whew, man, I need to take a minute to catch my breath

Joy is created through continuous fellowship with God. 

So what are some synonyms for joy?

1. Peace

2. Assurance

3. Wellbeing 

4. Solace

5. Satisfaction

6. Contentment

7. Purpose

Joy is the root of our Christian walk. It would be very troubling to see a born again believer without any joy. Born again believers have this in-containable joy. They have to tell everyone about what God has done in their life. How he has redeemed them. Changed them. Saved them. They no longer dwell on all that is wrong but are all consumed by the gist they have been freely given of eternal life that the other stuff no longer even fazes them. 

However, the longer we are Christians, the less sparkly and satisfying this promise seems

We lose the joy.  

but like I said before, Joy comes from continuos fellowship with God.  

Praying daily.

Reading the word of God daily. 

Jesus told his disciples to consider it pure JOY when they faced trials 

To consider it joy when they were persecuted for righteousness sake

For the sake of living the life God has called us to live

To consider it ...... J O Y  

JOY IS NOT THAT GOD IS NEVER GOING TO LET ANYTHING BAD HAPPEN TO YOU. 

JOY IS NOT THAT YOU WILL NEVER BE SAD. Sadness just will not cripple you to the point you cannot go on living. 

Joy is like a life jacket. No matter how rough the waves get, you are never going to drown. It doesn't mean you aren't going to have to go through the storm. It just means that in the end, you are secure and you are safe. 

Thats the biggest difference between happiness and joy. Happiness depends on the circumstances of life. Happiness is always coming and going as it pleases. Joy on the other hand is only dependent upon the status of your relationship with God. Joy is faithful. Joy never leaves. 

Joy is not a smile permanently plastered on your face

Joy is the reassurance that no matter how badly circumstances hurt right now, they will not overtake or destroy you because you have something stronger inside you. Which is the Holy spirit and legions of angles fighting to defend you.  

So no, happiness is not what I strive for you to obtain.

you will be disappointed 

every 

time

Joy.  Joy is what I want for you, and its something only God can give you. It comes from the fellowship with God. and thankfulness. Thankfulness is the biggest benefactor to joy. If we are constantly thinking about all the things we don't have and are never grateful for all that God has blessed us with, we will never have joy.

Joy is about the heart

and selfishness and ingratitude are heart issues

see how they can not coincide in the same body?

"I"VE GOT THE JOY JOY JOY JOY DOWN IN MY HEART"

"WHERE?"

"DOWN IN MY HEART. "

"WHERE?"

"DOWN IN MY HEART. I'VE GOT THE JOY JOY JOY JOY DOWN IN MY HEART. DOWN IN MY HEART TO STAY"

as petty as this childhood bible school song may seem, it holds a lot of truth.

1. Joy comes from the heart and 2. Joy is there to stay

"though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible an glorious JOY" 1Peter 1:8-9

IN the world, not OF the world

I'm currently sitting in front of my computer with an empty cup of coffee, still dressed in my work uniform; shoes and all. It's a little too late, but when am I not up a a little too late? I was reading through some of my old blogs and I realized that I have not written since January...  *hangs head in shame*

I decided to write about a topic I often discuss with other people. It's a topic that could be debated for ages and I don't think anyone has it completely prefect or balanced. 

It's the age-old question of how to be IN the world, yet not OF the world. For those of you who are not as familiar with the church lingo; basically how do Christians remain active participants in a secular world while not being swayed by a secular world. 

I don't think the answer is as simple as "play it safe" and I would refrain from telling people that they should be "better safe than sorry." God did not command his disciples to stay holed up in their Christian circles and never talk to anyone that is considered bad. We are all considered bad. I'm the worst of all sinners (1 Timothy 1:15). 

Anyway, coming back from my squirrel chase, there is obviously an issue. Christians have to somehow find a balance between being in the world enough to influence, minister, and create disciples.  However, Christians are to be set apart from the rest of the world. To be a city on a hill (Matthew 14:16). To not conform to the patterns of the secular world (Romans 12:2). Its a tightrope walk, and I have trouble walking on flat surfaces sometimes. 

I seem to go through phases. Phases where I spend all of my time with Christians. I pour into them. They pour into me. It's a really great back and forth--incredibly encouraging and spiritually satisfying. However, those are the times that I seem to be less inclined to make friends with non-believers. 

Realizing this, I tend to go into another phase. I spend a large majority of time with non-believers. Its cool to be able to be an example to them. And to be a light to them, however, I usually spend less time with my Christian influences and tend to be influenced by my non-Christian friends. 

I know I haven't started answering any questions yet. I have simply made the questions more extensive and complicated. Welcome to why I was never good at math.

Here's the things. Jesus ate with prostitutes and tax collectors (Matthew 9:11). Yet he spent the majority of his time with his disciples. 

ITTTSSS TTIIMMMEEE FFOOOORRRR W.W.J.D. MAAAAN (What Would Jesus Do) 

So just as Jesus did, we should spend most of out time with people who encourage and help us grow. As iron sharpens iron, one man sharpens another (Proverbs 27:17). We become like the people we hang out with. This is true more than people want to realize. We must also invest time and energy into those who are non-believers. We must show them love, be their friend, care about them. But not live in the same way they do. For a companion of fools will suffer harm (Proverbs 13:20). 

Look, this is not an easy topic. Because there really isn't a definite answer. its not wrong to have non christian friends. God encourages us to love everyone. If we want to know how God feels about this topic, all we have to do is look at how he lived his life. He didn't avoid the people he considered dirty or rotten or "bad." He reached out to them. He loved them. He ate with them. BUT he did so all with a purpose. He did so, so that he might share the gospel with them. He did so, so that they might come to know the light in him, and as a result come to know the father in Heaven.  

We have to be careful in discerning our motives for our friendships. Is it for personal gain? For popularity? Are we going to make an effort to share the light within us? Or are we going to try to hide it in the presence of that person?  

There is no quota for christian vs. no Christian friends. All I ask you to do is search your heart. Have a solid foundation you can always come back to and be encouraged and filled. But go out into the world with the mission to make disciples. Do that, and you will be in pretty good shape. 

 

                                                                          

  

"It's complicated"

lets just talk about Facebook for a moment. 

we got your "single" people

your "in a relationship" people

your "engaged" people

your "married" people

and, of course, my personal favorite "it's complicated"

meaning, in other less fragilely put words, that neither one of you are on the same page as to the status of your relationship.   

Let's look at it this way. Lets say, you have a girlfriend, actually, better yet, a wife. Ok fellas, you're married. You made a vow to forever love this woman you share a roof with. You made a vow to spend the rest of your life with her. Now, lets say, you forget to talk to her one day. 

Lets say, you got so busy you just simply didn't speak to her once. 

Lets say this happens again, 

and again, 

and again. 

Lets say this goes on for months maybe a year.

Thats outrageous, you think.

I would never forget to talk to someone I love so much, you think 

I would never forget to talk to someone I made such a commitment to, you think

Then how do we forget to talk to God?

How do we get too busy to spend a mere ten minutes with him?

I hear a lot of people say that seasons of dryness are nothing to worry about in our relationship with God

But, someone reminded me that it is never God who gets distant or further away...we are the ones who drift and falter.

God is always constant.

But let me get back to my point

a little while back I began to notice a difference in my mood. I was cranky, irritable, impatient, and unhappy. 

I began to be cynical. I would look at a situation and think of the worst outcome. 

I noticed a change in my motivation. I wanted to sleep all the time. I didn't want to be around others. 

I would complain that my relationship with God wasn't as vibrant. Not as close. Not as intimate.

God wasn't the one who had walked away.

I had.

I hadn't been reading my bible. I wasn't praying. and the longer I didn't pray, the more I put it off because I didn't know where to start. I didn't want to deal with the regret and emotions that come with praying after not praying for long periods of time. 

I didn't read my bible because I was stressed out about school. Time in my bible is less time I could be studying. 

But then I would waste hours doing other stuff. 

I was trying to do everything on my own. The more I relied on my own strength, the more I failed. The more I failed the more I didn't spend time with God. The less time I spent with God the more I relied on my own strength. The more I relied on my own strength...

you see the patten. 

I didn't feel like I was good enough to go before the Lord. I began to think that God was disappointed in me for not spending time with him. That he was mad at me. Sad with me.

Lets go back to that hypothetical wife. you are still married to her even if you don't talk to her. the relationship, however, is non-existent. 

Its the same way with God. 

I am still a Christian even if I fall away. My relationship with God, however, varies with how much effort I put into it.

It required me giving up my pride and coming before the Lord and asking for his forgiveness. It required me admitting my priorities were messed up. It required me asking him to help me crave time with him more than I crave anything. 

We do not have to suffer through dryness. 

It doesn't matter how long you have gone without praying. It doesn't matter if you don't know the bible chapters in order. It doesn't matter if you are dirty and stained and flawed.

WE

ALL

ARE

Christ is waiting for you to surrender. To run to him with your arms wide. 

Its not going to be easy. Just like with any relationship, it takes effort. It takes time. It takes intentionality. 

But Christ is the only one who can heal your heart. He is the only one who can make things right. He is the only one who can bring you joy. Who can bring you true fulfillment.

If that sounds cliche, I'm sorry.

Sucks to your asthma 

Its not just a one and done thing with Christ. We cannot just profess our faith in Christ and consider ourselves good for the rest of our lives.

Just like we don't get married with someone and then never talk to them again.

We must constantly be growing in our faith. And we grow by reading God's word to hear what he is teaching us. We grow by praying to him. 

It doesn't have to be complicated.

It can be very very simple. and very very wonderful.

2 Peter 1:5-8New International Version (NIV)

5 For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; 6 and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; 7 and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. 8 For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

ennie meanie minnie moe

I am on my second cup of coffee for tonight. lets do this thing. 

Of course its 12:26 pm, when else would I be writing? 

Lately I have been struggling with the weight of decision making. I am a senior in high school and I am paying my own way for college. In order to accomplish that goal, I have gotten a part time job as a waitress. Already sacrifices have been made. I am not going to participate in a winter sport since I am working. That way I will still be able to be involved in plays and musicals, since I like that better than sports anyway. Not being in a winter sport would give me extra time to invest in other people and my family before I leave for college. I thought I was making the right decision and being responsible. However, lately I have felt unsure, anxious, and attacked that I am making mistakes. I feel like I am letting me team down and my coach down and my friends down and my parents down. People have been nothing but supportive of my decision. My parents never pressured me to get a job. But having enough money to go to college was important to me, and I wanted to start saving now. 

I always knew that I would be responsible for more decision making when I grew up, and I was prepared for that. I was prepared for the way they would affect me. However, our decisions don't just affect us. they affect our family, our friends, our coaches, our teachers. And we are all so scared of disappointing them. I was not prepared for disappointing other people. 

Make that three cups of coffee.

I think as Christians we believe our life has one path. That there is one specific person that is "the one" that there is one college that is "the one" that there is one job that is "the one" and that if we do anything besides pick "the one" we are screwed. That's a lot of pressure if you believe one wrong move will lead you to a life of less-than-what-it-could-have-been. 

I bought into this lie. I spent many anxious night praying to God to tell me which college I was supposed to go to. Many anxious night praying and asking God to show me what people were supposed to be in my life. I was terrified of making the wrong decision because I didn't want to mess up the plan God had for my life.

Here is the thing though. We forget our purpose here on earth--serve God. period. End of story. t-t-t-thats all folks. We are in God's will as long as we are serving him. It doesn't matter what college we go to, if we are serving him. It doesn't matter who we date, as long as the relationship is God centered. There is no such thing as "the one" for anything. God makes certain things available for different seasons of life we are in.  

Choosing one thing will not prevent us from receiving another thing. We are not going to be stuck working at McDonalds for the rest of our life if we pick the "wrong" college, or the "wrong"career. Who says you have to stay doing one thing? God will lead us the direction we need to go, and that might be one place for a little while, and another place for a little while, and another place for a little while.

I firmly believe God has called me to work at Cracker Barrel for this season in my life. No, I didn't hear his voice. I didn't get a nice little letter in the mail. But he made it available. He made it work. It has given me the opportunity to meet so many different people. I feel like a light when I am there. That I can just shine the joy of Jesus to whoever I meet. 

Let's pretend I didn't just drink another cup of coffee.

Let's take Joseph for example (colorful coat Joseph, not father of Jesus Joseph). Joseph started out as a shepherd. then he became in charge of Potiphar's house. then he was a prisoner in jail. then he was second in command to all of Egypt. 

God used Joseph wherever he was. It wasn't like Joseph loafed around until he became second in command to Egypt, and then suddenly everything started going perfectly because he had found "the one" god used Joseph right where he was at. right in the middle of the cistern. Right when he was being sold. right when he was wrongly accused and punished. God used the direction of Joseph's life to accomplished his plan.

If we obey God everyday, he will lead us. It isn't about seeking God's will for "important decisions", its about seeking God everyday and serving him--wherever we happen to be for that season in our life.   

Aftertaste

it seems I only feel inspired to write at three in the morning anymore. oh well.

do you ever have those moments when you realize that you really aren't as special as you thought you were?

now don't get me wrong, I am under no impression that I am any gift to this earth, however, I think most people fall under the impression that they are somehow different; that here is me and then there's everybody else. that somehow I see things differently than anyone else. that everyone else falls under the influence to be just like everybody else, but I don't. that I am cooler or more down to earth or more original. I think everyone thinks that. the ironic thing is, everybody thinks everybody else is just like everybody else. trippy, right?

whats my point?

I had a moment a few weeks ago. I hadn't been reading my bible very much lately and I haven't been praying like I should be. In my mind, I was focusing on important things, yanno? Like my school work and my job and play rehearsals. But it was cool because God knows that we still tight. I think as Christians we fall under this misconception that our relationship with God is somehow different than anyone else's on earth--now do not misunderstand me--each of our relationship's with God are individual and special. But at least for me, sometimes I feel that my relationship with God is almost more special than other people's. that God looks forward to hearing from me more than other people. that he is more proud of me, that he expects more from me, that he is more understanding when I screw up than he is with other people. its a hard thing to explain because no one wants to think that they actually think that. who knows, maybe i am the only one. but something that i think is important is being open and vulnerable and real. no one is going to open up to you if you act like you are perfect all the time. and i think as Christians we feel, for some reason, that we must be perfect. 

its not like that at all.

anyway so I was just hit with the force of reality. 

I am just another person on earth. My life is just going to end like all the other billions of people and maybe a few people with cry and be sad, but mostly, life will move on. the end. 

we live our whole lives thinking its going to be this big to-do when we die. but, the sad thing is, its not going to be as earth shattering as we would like to think.

I was overcome with the thought that all this time spent on the things in my life are absolutely meaningless. no one cares if I can quote Friends or Tangled or have a song or movie reference for everything. no one is going to remember that. no one is going to remember what sports I played or what speeches I gave or what newspaper articles I wrote or what roles I played.

when people die, after a while, we focus on just a few things about that person. everything else gets forgotten, and we might remember one or two stand out things. for the most part, however, we remember how that person made us feel.

As I was reading my bible, I came to a realization that my life only has meaning if I let myself be completely used by Christ. Even then, it wont be about me.

As Christians, we are but mere tools Christ uses. our motivation to go be a missionary or whatever shouldn't be so that somebody writes a book on how great of a person we were. Our motivation should be Christ. end of story. 

God doesn't need me. He can use anyone who is willing to complete his task. God used a unlikely Shepard kid. he used a prostitute. he used a man running from his own mistakes. God can use anybody. yes, that means he can use me. but that doesn't mean that he needs to use me. i am not that important. 

most people think about death. I think a lot about the aftertaste I'll leave behind. 

I think more than anything, I want to be remembered as someone who was real and open and honest. I want to be remembered as someone who wasn't too good for anyone. that I met people right where they were at. I want to be remembered as someone who rejoiced when you rejoiced and mourned when you mourned. I want to be remembered as someone who had faith that could move mountains. someone who had love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, and self-control. someone who loved God more than anyone or anything. 

whenever I die, whether that be tomorrow, or sixty years from now, I don't want people to get up there and talk about how good I was, because we all know I suck. I snore when I sleep. I am selfish. I get jealous. I get mad for no reason. I want to be the best at everything I do. I get sad when people don't like me. I am sarcastic and moody and introverted and a loner. I disappoint the people I love every single day. every single day. I cheat on homework, I speed when I drive. I lie. 

I want people to get up there and say, yeah she wasn't all that great. heck, she wasn't anything special at all, but we loved her anyway. and boy, she really did love Christ. and look at all the amazing ways he worked through her life.

at the end of the day.

and the end of my life.

My prayer is that people get up there and talk about Christ.