Aftertaste

it seems I only feel inspired to write at three in the morning anymore. oh well.

do you ever have those moments when you realize that you really aren't as special as you thought you were?

now don't get me wrong, I am under no impression that I am any gift to this earth, however, I think most people fall under the impression that they are somehow different; that here is me and then there's everybody else. that somehow I see things differently than anyone else. that everyone else falls under the influence to be just like everybody else, but I don't. that I am cooler or more down to earth or more original. I think everyone thinks that. the ironic thing is, everybody thinks everybody else is just like everybody else. trippy, right?

whats my point?

I had a moment a few weeks ago. I hadn't been reading my bible very much lately and I haven't been praying like I should be. In my mind, I was focusing on important things, yanno? Like my school work and my job and play rehearsals. But it was cool because God knows that we still tight. I think as Christians we fall under this misconception that our relationship with God is somehow different than anyone else's on earth--now do not misunderstand me--each of our relationship's with God are individual and special. But at least for me, sometimes I feel that my relationship with God is almost more special than other people's. that God looks forward to hearing from me more than other people. that he is more proud of me, that he expects more from me, that he is more understanding when I screw up than he is with other people. its a hard thing to explain because no one wants to think that they actually think that. who knows, maybe i am the only one. but something that i think is important is being open and vulnerable and real. no one is going to open up to you if you act like you are perfect all the time. and i think as Christians we feel, for some reason, that we must be perfect. 

its not like that at all.

anyway so I was just hit with the force of reality. 

I am just another person on earth. My life is just going to end like all the other billions of people and maybe a few people with cry and be sad, but mostly, life will move on. the end. 

we live our whole lives thinking its going to be this big to-do when we die. but, the sad thing is, its not going to be as earth shattering as we would like to think.

I was overcome with the thought that all this time spent on the things in my life are absolutely meaningless. no one cares if I can quote Friends or Tangled or have a song or movie reference for everything. no one is going to remember that. no one is going to remember what sports I played or what speeches I gave or what newspaper articles I wrote or what roles I played.

when people die, after a while, we focus on just a few things about that person. everything else gets forgotten, and we might remember one or two stand out things. for the most part, however, we remember how that person made us feel.

As I was reading my bible, I came to a realization that my life only has meaning if I let myself be completely used by Christ. Even then, it wont be about me.

As Christians, we are but mere tools Christ uses. our motivation to go be a missionary or whatever shouldn't be so that somebody writes a book on how great of a person we were. Our motivation should be Christ. end of story. 

God doesn't need me. He can use anyone who is willing to complete his task. God used a unlikely Shepard kid. he used a prostitute. he used a man running from his own mistakes. God can use anybody. yes, that means he can use me. but that doesn't mean that he needs to use me. i am not that important. 

most people think about death. I think a lot about the aftertaste I'll leave behind. 

I think more than anything, I want to be remembered as someone who was real and open and honest. I want to be remembered as someone who wasn't too good for anyone. that I met people right where they were at. I want to be remembered as someone who rejoiced when you rejoiced and mourned when you mourned. I want to be remembered as someone who had faith that could move mountains. someone who had love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, and self-control. someone who loved God more than anyone or anything. 

whenever I die, whether that be tomorrow, or sixty years from now, I don't want people to get up there and talk about how good I was, because we all know I suck. I snore when I sleep. I am selfish. I get jealous. I get mad for no reason. I want to be the best at everything I do. I get sad when people don't like me. I am sarcastic and moody and introverted and a loner. I disappoint the people I love every single day. every single day. I cheat on homework, I speed when I drive. I lie. 

I want people to get up there and say, yeah she wasn't all that great. heck, she wasn't anything special at all, but we loved her anyway. and boy, she really did love Christ. and look at all the amazing ways he worked through her life.

at the end of the day.

and the end of my life.

My prayer is that people get up there and talk about Christ.