ennie meanie minnie moe

I am on my second cup of coffee for tonight. lets do this thing. 

Of course its 12:26 pm, when else would I be writing? 

Lately I have been struggling with the weight of decision making. I am a senior in high school and I am paying my own way for college. In order to accomplish that goal, I have gotten a part time job as a waitress. Already sacrifices have been made. I am not going to participate in a winter sport since I am working. That way I will still be able to be involved in plays and musicals, since I like that better than sports anyway. Not being in a winter sport would give me extra time to invest in other people and my family before I leave for college. I thought I was making the right decision and being responsible. However, lately I have felt unsure, anxious, and attacked that I am making mistakes. I feel like I am letting me team down and my coach down and my friends down and my parents down. People have been nothing but supportive of my decision. My parents never pressured me to get a job. But having enough money to go to college was important to me, and I wanted to start saving now. 

I always knew that I would be responsible for more decision making when I grew up, and I was prepared for that. I was prepared for the way they would affect me. However, our decisions don't just affect us. they affect our family, our friends, our coaches, our teachers. And we are all so scared of disappointing them. I was not prepared for disappointing other people. 

Make that three cups of coffee.

I think as Christians we believe our life has one path. That there is one specific person that is "the one" that there is one college that is "the one" that there is one job that is "the one" and that if we do anything besides pick "the one" we are screwed. That's a lot of pressure if you believe one wrong move will lead you to a life of less-than-what-it-could-have-been. 

I bought into this lie. I spent many anxious night praying to God to tell me which college I was supposed to go to. Many anxious night praying and asking God to show me what people were supposed to be in my life. I was terrified of making the wrong decision because I didn't want to mess up the plan God had for my life.

Here is the thing though. We forget our purpose here on earth--serve God. period. End of story. t-t-t-thats all folks. We are in God's will as long as we are serving him. It doesn't matter what college we go to, if we are serving him. It doesn't matter who we date, as long as the relationship is God centered. There is no such thing as "the one" for anything. God makes certain things available for different seasons of life we are in.  

Choosing one thing will not prevent us from receiving another thing. We are not going to be stuck working at McDonalds for the rest of our life if we pick the "wrong" college, or the "wrong"career. Who says you have to stay doing one thing? God will lead us the direction we need to go, and that might be one place for a little while, and another place for a little while, and another place for a little while.

I firmly believe God has called me to work at Cracker Barrel for this season in my life. No, I didn't hear his voice. I didn't get a nice little letter in the mail. But he made it available. He made it work. It has given me the opportunity to meet so many different people. I feel like a light when I am there. That I can just shine the joy of Jesus to whoever I meet. 

Let's pretend I didn't just drink another cup of coffee.

Let's take Joseph for example (colorful coat Joseph, not father of Jesus Joseph). Joseph started out as a shepherd. then he became in charge of Potiphar's house. then he was a prisoner in jail. then he was second in command to all of Egypt. 

God used Joseph wherever he was. It wasn't like Joseph loafed around until he became second in command to Egypt, and then suddenly everything started going perfectly because he had found "the one" god used Joseph right where he was at. right in the middle of the cistern. Right when he was being sold. right when he was wrongly accused and punished. God used the direction of Joseph's life to accomplished his plan.

If we obey God everyday, he will lead us. It isn't about seeking God's will for "important decisions", its about seeking God everyday and serving him--wherever we happen to be for that season in our life.   

Aftertaste

it seems I only feel inspired to write at three in the morning anymore. oh well.

do you ever have those moments when you realize that you really aren't as special as you thought you were?

now don't get me wrong, I am under no impression that I am any gift to this earth, however, I think most people fall under the impression that they are somehow different; that here is me and then there's everybody else. that somehow I see things differently than anyone else. that everyone else falls under the influence to be just like everybody else, but I don't. that I am cooler or more down to earth or more original. I think everyone thinks that. the ironic thing is, everybody thinks everybody else is just like everybody else. trippy, right?

whats my point?

I had a moment a few weeks ago. I hadn't been reading my bible very much lately and I haven't been praying like I should be. In my mind, I was focusing on important things, yanno? Like my school work and my job and play rehearsals. But it was cool because God knows that we still tight. I think as Christians we fall under this misconception that our relationship with God is somehow different than anyone else's on earth--now do not misunderstand me--each of our relationship's with God are individual and special. But at least for me, sometimes I feel that my relationship with God is almost more special than other people's. that God looks forward to hearing from me more than other people. that he is more proud of me, that he expects more from me, that he is more understanding when I screw up than he is with other people. its a hard thing to explain because no one wants to think that they actually think that. who knows, maybe i am the only one. but something that i think is important is being open and vulnerable and real. no one is going to open up to you if you act like you are perfect all the time. and i think as Christians we feel, for some reason, that we must be perfect. 

its not like that at all.

anyway so I was just hit with the force of reality. 

I am just another person on earth. My life is just going to end like all the other billions of people and maybe a few people with cry and be sad, but mostly, life will move on. the end. 

we live our whole lives thinking its going to be this big to-do when we die. but, the sad thing is, its not going to be as earth shattering as we would like to think.

I was overcome with the thought that all this time spent on the things in my life are absolutely meaningless. no one cares if I can quote Friends or Tangled or have a song or movie reference for everything. no one is going to remember that. no one is going to remember what sports I played or what speeches I gave or what newspaper articles I wrote or what roles I played.

when people die, after a while, we focus on just a few things about that person. everything else gets forgotten, and we might remember one or two stand out things. for the most part, however, we remember how that person made us feel.

As I was reading my bible, I came to a realization that my life only has meaning if I let myself be completely used by Christ. Even then, it wont be about me.

As Christians, we are but mere tools Christ uses. our motivation to go be a missionary or whatever shouldn't be so that somebody writes a book on how great of a person we were. Our motivation should be Christ. end of story. 

God doesn't need me. He can use anyone who is willing to complete his task. God used a unlikely Shepard kid. he used a prostitute. he used a man running from his own mistakes. God can use anybody. yes, that means he can use me. but that doesn't mean that he needs to use me. i am not that important. 

most people think about death. I think a lot about the aftertaste I'll leave behind. 

I think more than anything, I want to be remembered as someone who was real and open and honest. I want to be remembered as someone who wasn't too good for anyone. that I met people right where they were at. I want to be remembered as someone who rejoiced when you rejoiced and mourned when you mourned. I want to be remembered as someone who had faith that could move mountains. someone who had love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, and self-control. someone who loved God more than anyone or anything. 

whenever I die, whether that be tomorrow, or sixty years from now, I don't want people to get up there and talk about how good I was, because we all know I suck. I snore when I sleep. I am selfish. I get jealous. I get mad for no reason. I want to be the best at everything I do. I get sad when people don't like me. I am sarcastic and moody and introverted and a loner. I disappoint the people I love every single day. every single day. I cheat on homework, I speed when I drive. I lie. 

I want people to get up there and say, yeah she wasn't all that great. heck, she wasn't anything special at all, but we loved her anyway. and boy, she really did love Christ. and look at all the amazing ways he worked through her life.

at the end of the day.

and the end of my life.

My prayer is that people get up there and talk about Christ.