ennie meanie minnie moe

I am on my second cup of coffee for tonight. lets do this thing. 

Of course its 12:26 pm, when else would I be writing? 

Lately I have been struggling with the weight of decision making. I am a senior in high school and I am paying my own way for college. In order to accomplish that goal, I have gotten a part time job as a waitress. Already sacrifices have been made. I am not going to participate in a winter sport since I am working. That way I will still be able to be involved in plays and musicals, since I like that better than sports anyway. Not being in a winter sport would give me extra time to invest in other people and my family before I leave for college. I thought I was making the right decision and being responsible. However, lately I have felt unsure, anxious, and attacked that I am making mistakes. I feel like I am letting me team down and my coach down and my friends down and my parents down. People have been nothing but supportive of my decision. My parents never pressured me to get a job. But having enough money to go to college was important to me, and I wanted to start saving now. 

I always knew that I would be responsible for more decision making when I grew up, and I was prepared for that. I was prepared for the way they would affect me. However, our decisions don't just affect us. they affect our family, our friends, our coaches, our teachers. And we are all so scared of disappointing them. I was not prepared for disappointing other people. 

Make that three cups of coffee.

I think as Christians we believe our life has one path. That there is one specific person that is "the one" that there is one college that is "the one" that there is one job that is "the one" and that if we do anything besides pick "the one" we are screwed. That's a lot of pressure if you believe one wrong move will lead you to a life of less-than-what-it-could-have-been. 

I bought into this lie. I spent many anxious night praying to God to tell me which college I was supposed to go to. Many anxious night praying and asking God to show me what people were supposed to be in my life. I was terrified of making the wrong decision because I didn't want to mess up the plan God had for my life.

Here is the thing though. We forget our purpose here on earth--serve God. period. End of story. t-t-t-thats all folks. We are in God's will as long as we are serving him. It doesn't matter what college we go to, if we are serving him. It doesn't matter who we date, as long as the relationship is God centered. There is no such thing as "the one" for anything. God makes certain things available for different seasons of life we are in.  

Choosing one thing will not prevent us from receiving another thing. We are not going to be stuck working at McDonalds for the rest of our life if we pick the "wrong" college, or the "wrong"career. Who says you have to stay doing one thing? God will lead us the direction we need to go, and that might be one place for a little while, and another place for a little while, and another place for a little while.

I firmly believe God has called me to work at Cracker Barrel for this season in my life. No, I didn't hear his voice. I didn't get a nice little letter in the mail. But he made it available. He made it work. It has given me the opportunity to meet so many different people. I feel like a light when I am there. That I can just shine the joy of Jesus to whoever I meet. 

Let's pretend I didn't just drink another cup of coffee.

Let's take Joseph for example (colorful coat Joseph, not father of Jesus Joseph). Joseph started out as a shepherd. then he became in charge of Potiphar's house. then he was a prisoner in jail. then he was second in command to all of Egypt. 

God used Joseph wherever he was. It wasn't like Joseph loafed around until he became second in command to Egypt, and then suddenly everything started going perfectly because he had found "the one" god used Joseph right where he was at. right in the middle of the cistern. Right when he was being sold. right when he was wrongly accused and punished. God used the direction of Joseph's life to accomplished his plan.

If we obey God everyday, he will lead us. It isn't about seeking God's will for "important decisions", its about seeking God everyday and serving him--wherever we happen to be for that season in our life.   

Aftertaste

it seems I only feel inspired to write at three in the morning anymore. oh well.

do you ever have those moments when you realize that you really aren't as special as you thought you were?

now don't get me wrong, I am under no impression that I am any gift to this earth, however, I think most people fall under the impression that they are somehow different; that here is me and then there's everybody else. that somehow I see things differently than anyone else. that everyone else falls under the influence to be just like everybody else, but I don't. that I am cooler or more down to earth or more original. I think everyone thinks that. the ironic thing is, everybody thinks everybody else is just like everybody else. trippy, right?

whats my point?

I had a moment a few weeks ago. I hadn't been reading my bible very much lately and I haven't been praying like I should be. In my mind, I was focusing on important things, yanno? Like my school work and my job and play rehearsals. But it was cool because God knows that we still tight. I think as Christians we fall under this misconception that our relationship with God is somehow different than anyone else's on earth--now do not misunderstand me--each of our relationship's with God are individual and special. But at least for me, sometimes I feel that my relationship with God is almost more special than other people's. that God looks forward to hearing from me more than other people. that he is more proud of me, that he expects more from me, that he is more understanding when I screw up than he is with other people. its a hard thing to explain because no one wants to think that they actually think that. who knows, maybe i am the only one. but something that i think is important is being open and vulnerable and real. no one is going to open up to you if you act like you are perfect all the time. and i think as Christians we feel, for some reason, that we must be perfect. 

its not like that at all.

anyway so I was just hit with the force of reality. 

I am just another person on earth. My life is just going to end like all the other billions of people and maybe a few people with cry and be sad, but mostly, life will move on. the end. 

we live our whole lives thinking its going to be this big to-do when we die. but, the sad thing is, its not going to be as earth shattering as we would like to think.

I was overcome with the thought that all this time spent on the things in my life are absolutely meaningless. no one cares if I can quote Friends or Tangled or have a song or movie reference for everything. no one is going to remember that. no one is going to remember what sports I played or what speeches I gave or what newspaper articles I wrote or what roles I played.

when people die, after a while, we focus on just a few things about that person. everything else gets forgotten, and we might remember one or two stand out things. for the most part, however, we remember how that person made us feel.

As I was reading my bible, I came to a realization that my life only has meaning if I let myself be completely used by Christ. Even then, it wont be about me.

As Christians, we are but mere tools Christ uses. our motivation to go be a missionary or whatever shouldn't be so that somebody writes a book on how great of a person we were. Our motivation should be Christ. end of story. 

God doesn't need me. He can use anyone who is willing to complete his task. God used a unlikely Shepard kid. he used a prostitute. he used a man running from his own mistakes. God can use anybody. yes, that means he can use me. but that doesn't mean that he needs to use me. i am not that important. 

most people think about death. I think a lot about the aftertaste I'll leave behind. 

I think more than anything, I want to be remembered as someone who was real and open and honest. I want to be remembered as someone who wasn't too good for anyone. that I met people right where they were at. I want to be remembered as someone who rejoiced when you rejoiced and mourned when you mourned. I want to be remembered as someone who had faith that could move mountains. someone who had love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, and self-control. someone who loved God more than anyone or anything. 

whenever I die, whether that be tomorrow, or sixty years from now, I don't want people to get up there and talk about how good I was, because we all know I suck. I snore when I sleep. I am selfish. I get jealous. I get mad for no reason. I want to be the best at everything I do. I get sad when people don't like me. I am sarcastic and moody and introverted and a loner. I disappoint the people I love every single day. every single day. I cheat on homework, I speed when I drive. I lie. 

I want people to get up there and say, yeah she wasn't all that great. heck, she wasn't anything special at all, but we loved her anyway. and boy, she really did love Christ. and look at all the amazing ways he worked through her life.

at the end of the day.

and the end of my life.

My prayer is that people get up there and talk about Christ.

modest is not hottest

modest is hottest. or, as i mockingly like to say, modesty is hottesty. Actually, no. modest is not hottest. Because the word "HOT" and the word "MODEST" do not even belong on the same intergalactic playing field. According to Urban Dictionary, HOT by definition is equivalent to SEXY. MODEST by definition means having regard for the decencies of behavior, speech, and dress. When i think of the word sexy, or a person who would be described as sexy, i don't think of the words decent or modest in the same thought stream. I understand the statement that people are trying to make when they say "Modest is hottest" but I hate to break it to you turtle neck aficionados; that saying is completely false.
I have never liked the word hott. at least when it is used toward a female. My pizza rolls do not exactly have the same reservations towards the word. when a male uses the word hot or sexy toward a female; generally he is talking in a derogatory description toward either her boobs or butt or both depending on the curvature of the female. The male is in no way describing the beauty of the females smile or hair or eye color.
if you feel like this is hard to follow, its 2:40 in the morning, so it probably is.
Whats my point?
First, let me go on another rambling rampage featuring an irate female who is quite disappointed in her gender group.
modest is not hottest. being the hottest is not important, however, being modest is.
being modest will not make you ugly.
being modest does not mean you have to wear long sleeved turtle necks on the reg.
being modest does not mean you have to hide any of your beauty
(unless by beauty you mean your cleavage, in which case, please spare us all the show)
being modest simply means you are respecting yourself and looking out for your brothers in Christ.
your body is a temple; Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20temples are treated with respect and dignity and the highest appraisal.
booty shorts that cover about as much as a belt do not exactly scream dignity or respect or anything besides please look at my butt cheeks at your earliest convenience.
second of all, we are called to protect our brothers in Christ.
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. Matthew 5:27-28lets recap for a minute. y'all remember the ten commandments? Moses? Mount Sinai? Stone tablets? big deal, okay? do not murder, do not steal, do not lie, etc. anywhos; do not commit adultery is one of the ten commandments. If the way we dress is causing one of our brothers in Christ to look at us lustfully, God considers that just as bad as if he had committed adultery.
We are responsible for the first glance.
and we know how to draw the first glance.
but guys should be able to control themselves right? of course they should. A guy is responsible for the second glance and thereafter. He has the choice to look away. But why would you want to dress in a way that forces men to look away so they are not sinning in their hearts?
girls, that's on us. God says that he will hold us accountable if we are causing our brothers in Christ to stumble.
I totally can vouch for the internal conflict of wanting to wear something that seems innocent enough, but I secretly know will draw attention. what girl doesn't want attention from a guy? but ladies, please, that is not the kind of attention you want from guys. If you are offering your body for the whole world to see, that is what you become. a body. and that's all well and good if that's what you are after. Except there is this thing called age, and our once beautiful bodies will one day get pudgy and saggy and wrinkly. and if our body was the only thing we had going for ourselves, well, then we are plum out of luck.
Dressing modestly does not prohibit men from seeing our beauty. its not like putting a paper bag over our head and spraying pepper spray at anything with male genitalia.
it does the exact opposite.
dressing modestly keeps men from making you an object, and diverts the attention to the areas that are important. your sense of humor, your character, your beautiful smile, your crinkly eyes.
am I making any sense?
or do i sound worse than your mother when you wanted to buy your first bikini?
listen, there is no cut and dry criteria for how to dress modestly. but, from what i have observed, most girls could do to burn their entire wardrobe.
i don't know, I am no Mother Teresa, but i just wish girls could see that wearing practically nothing does not make them worth something more.
conclusion: modest is NOT hottest. Modesty is worth so so much more.  Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear—  but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. 1 Peter 3:3-4

 

      

All aboard the relation ship

relationship. relation. ship. a ship of relations. ships relationing. Relations shipping. Relationship has a plethora of connotations and definitions. All the same word. so many different meanings. it could be a friend to friend relationship. a parent to child. sibling to sibling. courting. dating. "talking". texting. Facebook stalking. okay, okay, it does not take a relationship to Facebook stalk. but I have made my point. so whats my point? *crickets chirping* clearly i have not. My point is, relationships are important. So very important. they surround us everyday. and just because your Facebook status does not read "in a relationship" does not mean you are not in one. You are simply not in a dating relationship. The reason I bring this up, is that relationships have never been my, whats the word I am looking for here, my strong point per-say. I am not a very good communicator. I have a tendency to fall off the face of the earth and not talk to people for days at a time. I do not know how to start conversations. half the time I feel unwelcome in social situations (my awkward stand-off-ish-ness could have something to do with this). and my sense of humor does not bode well with the general population and I have a tendency to come off way wrong to people. I become friends with people but then think they probably didn't really like me and they were just being nice and so i don't invest in the relationship further. and my heavenly father who loves to help me grow has shown me, quite blatantly, that I need to work on my relationships with people. In my bible study, the theme was parent child relationships. in youth group the theme was relationships. in church, the sermon was relationships.and constantly throughout the week the theme of relationships kept popping up. (God sure knows how to grab my attention.) The first area that I felt needed the most quick action was my relationship with my hormonally imbalanced the-whole-world-is-out-to-get-me 13 year old sister. *sympathetic nods from audience* Everyone knows that living with a girl in her growing season of life. in her awkward trying to figure out who she is time, is, quite simply, torture. these monsters can go from laughing to bawling in a span of 1.3 seconds. Yet, I was a middle school girl too. Not to say I was as bad as that (but doesn't everyone think they weren't that bad?) but shouldn't I be able to extend understanding and grace? Why do I find myself so short of patience and finally giving up with a sarcastic comment and an exasperated sigh? or more commonly a fight about the most insignificant things? I started to think about this in depth. My sister and I used to get along fairly well. Most of the time it would be me dragging her along to do things with me so I wouldn't look like a total loner. but now? we cant even be in the same room for five minutes. everything I say is a personal attack on her, and everything she does requires a correction (or so I think) I realized that if I wasn't growing in my relationship with God or that I was neglecting my time with him, my other relationships would suffer as well. I began to realize my sister was trying to tell  me she needed my love, but she didn't really know how. I realized that in order to avoid the fighting i avoided the relationship. Instead of solving the problem I was running away from it. I realized that nothing I would say would mean anything to her without a relationship with her. I needed to start listening, no matter how hard to follow. and I needed to hear her out, even when what she was telling me was what i was doing wrong. and I needed to treat her like the young woman she was becoming. The second area  i felt convicted in was my relationships with my peers. or my lack of relationships with my peers. quite simply. I don't generally talk unless spoken to. I don't generally go out of my way to talk to people I don't know. and big crowds freak me out. If you asked someone at my school who I am they would most likely reply with, who? How in the world am I supposed to be reaching out to people if I don't reach out. How can I share the gospel if i never speak? How are people supposed to see the work of Christ in my life and the joy he has brought to me if i am stone faced Sally over here all the time? (Thomas Glenn I believe you are the one who told me I never smile, and you were not the first, nor the last). I cant just cover up my lack of actions with "I am socially awkward" and move on. because God said being a Christian is hard, and by golly, sorry to break it to you loners, but if you are a Christian and you honestly want to live out the life God has called to you, you have to leave your loner corner behind and start socializing. Christ said to go to the ends of the earth proclaiming the gospel, not the ends of your wits just trying to carry on a normal conversation. Relationships are hard, man. But they are important. Something I really liked that Pastor Terry talked about was that in our relationships we are the biggest problem. translated: in my relationships, I am the biggest problem. In my relationship with my sister? who is the biggest problem? her? *internal battle* its me! I am the biggest issue. I can't blame her for every fight and disagreement because i am just as guilty. I can't say no one likes me when I don't offer anything for people to like. every relationship is a two way street and if everyone believed they were the biggest issue, there would be no issues. I believe Christ has the power to radically transform any relationship you are in or are struggling with. If you really want to save or fix your earthly relationships, you first need to grow in your relationship with the Lord. also, disclaimer, sorry if you were expecting significant other relationship advice. my knowledge is a negative one. but I know a guy. Ever heard of  the Song of Psalms? Its in this handy dandy little book called the bible. been around for centuries. its real retro for all you hipsters. and it has all the relationship advice you will ever need in it. you're welcome.  

The Fruits Will Speak

I have always struggled with this concept of "The Sunday Christian" or the "Get out of Hell free card" and even the popular modern saying: "Once you accept Christ into your heart, there is nothing you can do to lose your salvation." While these statements may hold an amount of truth, they are only a recipe to be taken out of context and used to the advantage of lukewarm Christians, and we all know how God feels about lukewarm Christians.
I know your works: you are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were either cold or hot! So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth. -Revelation 3:15-16
God is pretty blunt about how he feels about lukewarm Christianity--maybe I am misinterpreting, however, I do not think the expression of spitting something out of your mouth is a term of endearment. 
Knowing full well God despises the middle ground, how then do people claim they have had their life "drastically changed" by God, yet do not live their life "drastically changed?" Lukewarm Christians talk about a time in their past when they accepted Jesus into their heart, yet hearing the message that there is nothing they can do from that point on to lose their salvation, take that as an invitation to continue living their life exactly how they were living before. They walk into church on Sunday morning, still hungover from the night before. But God loves us anyway. But I am never going to be perfect, so why try? Theres nothing I can do to earn my salvation, so why should I waste my time on fruitless efforts? 
Do you understand the problem with these somewhat biblical truths, and how they cause so much havoc to the mission followers of Jesus Christ are called to? Do you? I would be so bold as to say you don't because if you did, wouldn't we have started a revolution? 
HOW DARE those who represent the power of the Holy Spirit, walk out of this church and falsely bear witness.
HOW DARE THOSE LUKEWARM CHRISTIANS broadcast that they way they live is the power Jesus Christ has in Christians's lives.
HOW DARE YOU SUNDAY CHRISTIANS CLAIM TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH A HEAVENLY FATHER WHEN ALL YOU WANT IS A PASS OUT OF HELL--WHEN ALL YOU WANT ARE THE REWARDS OF HEAVEN IN ADDITION TO THE REWARDS OF EARTH.   
Sorry, folks. But you have to choose. You can have glory and fulfillment in the material things of this earth, or you can have eternal fulfillment in Heaven. You can't have the best of both worlds. Sorry, but the Hannah Montana of my childhood has been dead for years.
There is nothing comparable to the change God brings in your life when you surrender your will, your life, your dreams, ambitions, hopes, fears--everything to him. There is a drastic change. You become a new creation. An entirely new creation. 
Whoever is a believer in Christ is a new creation. The old way of living has disappeared. A new way of living has come into existence. -2 Corinthians 5:17 

A new way of living. Which means that you must live differently now than you did before. And if you don't? I am not saying you are condemned to Hell if you don't read your bible everyday, however, if you are not drastically different than before you gave Christ complete reign over your life, maybe it is time to start reevaluating how sincere that decision was.

You will know them by their fruits. Grapes are not gathered from thorn bushes nor figs from thistles, are they? -Matthew 7:16

You are a tree. And you produce a fruit. Everyone does. You cannot claim to be an apple tree if you are producing pears. You cannot say, but I really want to be an apple tree, and I have studied all about how to best be an apple tree, and I really like apple trees, and I grow right next to apple trees all summer long. No matter how much you claim to be an apple tree, your fruit will speak for you--we wont need any Lorax up in these here parts. 

Am I making you uncomfortable? maybe a little squeamish? A little sweaty? 

Good. That is precisely my intention. 

Because GUYS. This is important. 

God despises lukewarm Christians. He said he will

spit.

us.

out.

of.

his.

mouth.

like poison; like something gone rotten; something that is so detestable that it is not even worth swallowing. 

(& I've swallowed some pretty gross food in my time. i.e Anything pumpkin)

Are you understanding me? Am I getting through?  

Our lives must be radically changed. We should be so filled with the spirit of God that we are yearning to do his works, that it brings us the upmost joy to shamelessly live the life he has called us to live. We cannot simply be the bench warmers, yelling "Go team" every once in a while, yet playing Angry Birds--is that still a thing?--on our phone the whole time. You can't act like that, and then expect to carry the trophy home when your team wins. Your team would drop kick you faster than you could say "lukewarm." 

Its. The. Same. Thing.

Except this isn't some meaningless high school game. This is your eternity we are talking about. This is your relationship with the CREATOR OF THE HEAVENS AND THE EARTH we are discussing. 

So maybe I was wrong. Maybe its not the same thing. Guys, its so so so much more than that.

We cannot take this mission God has called us to lightly. We can not shrug our shoulders and say well I tried, God doesn't expect me to be perfect. Oh well.

NO!

Is Yale going to accept a 2.0 average student because they tried really really super duper hard, and wanted it more than anyone? You can bet your britches they wont! 

I know this is a hard topic to discuss, and I know I am not an on fire Christian 100% of the time. But Ladies and Gentlemen, if we are willing to settle for the lame excuse that we are naturally sinful human beings, we have no right bearing the name of Jesus Christ. 

Jesus Christ did not die on the cross for my sins, as well as yours so we could send him an IOU and a list of our good intentions. 

No one changed lives with a list of good intentions.

No one made it to Heaven on a pile of good intentions.

We must never settle for good intentions. 

"thou shall have no other [sports, money, phones, etc.] before me"

Most everyone can recite the infamous Exodus 20:3-- "Thou shall have no other Gods before me." We read these words in the Bible, along with the other nine commandments, and think we do not have to worry about that one. We aren't bowing down to other divine beings, we do not say our prayers to Zeus, or Apollo, or Athena, and we do not mold statues out of gold and denounce the existence of God. However, the term Gods can also be translated to the word Idols--"thou shall have no other idols before me." so what does this change about the context of what we read? When we think of having no other Gods, that in and of itself seems simple enough. Someone would have to go to great lengths to think up another God and serve it. However, idols hit much closer to home than the Greek Gods of our history books. So what exactly are idols? According to the dictionary, An idol is a person or thing that is greatly admired, loved, or revered. Woah. Back that New Webster's train up. I love peanut-butter, does that mean peanut-butter is my idol? What about Emma Watson? I admire her oh-so-much does that mean I have made her a God in my heart? lets revisit the words of our heavenly father, shall we? He says, thou shall have no other Gods before me. Implying, of course, that anything that become more important than God in our life, is an idol, or a God. Well, pshh. nothing is more important to me that God, right? Unfortunately, just because we put "God is my everything" on our bio on Instagram, does not mean that he is. No, not even if you put that on your bio on Instagram, Twitter, MySpace, Vine, and *gasp* Pintrest. God is not the most important thing in our life just because we know all of Jeremy Camp's songs by heart, or that we can recite John 3:16 with the rest of the kindergartners who have no inkling of the meaning of the passage. I would go as far as to say God in number one in a very slim amount of people. I know God is not number one in my heart every single day. You heathen, you say. Yeah, but, think about it. Our time is divided between school, sports, our phones, all our possessions, food, and, yes, especially ourselves-- the way we look, the way others see us, and all our accomplishments. How can we say we want to be known for the work God has done in our hearts, when we count the calories on everything we eat, when we refuse to leave the house without perfectly curled hair, evenly mascara-ed eyes, and delete every selfie that is under 100 likes?

Dang. Shots fired. The idols we serve in 2015 are not made of bronze and gold, but out of the reflection that stares back at us, completely dissatisfied in the mold that God lovingly crafted and breathed life from his holy mouth. We dedicate months to sports in order to get better and strengthen our bodies. But reading our bible to get to know God better and strengthen our relationship with him seems unimportant. We wake up every morning for 5am practices, but somehow getting up before noon once a week for church is asking too much. I don't have to go to church every Sunday to be a Christian. You are 100% correct. Your salvation has no dependency on your attendance. You also don't have to go to games in order to be an athlete. Everyone sees you at practices, you put the time in, you wear the jersey, why should you play in the game? You don't have to prove to people you are on the team. But I want to play in the game, I love the sport. Exactly. My. Point. Going to church isn't about proving our stance with God, it is something you should do out of love, because you want to be there, because you want to know God better. Just like putting on your helmet every Friday night and rushing the field is not about proving you are a football player, you do it because you love the game. We can stay up all night to study for that math test, read all those APUSH chapters, and memorize Spanish vocabulary. But when it gets late and we have no homework, we claim we are too tired to read a few chapters out of our bible.The sad truth is that we fear the world, but have no fear of God. If we do not study we fail the test. But if we do not read our bible? What? What happens?  Our relationship with God grows weaker, his voice grows softer, and the intimacy we had gets further away. That might not seem like a huge deal. But, guys. THAT'S A HUGE DEAL. We have completely mixed up our priorities. We are suddenly more worried about people unfollowing us than the state of our souls. We think the people in the bible were so dumb as to bow down to a chunk of gold molded into the shape of a pea brained farm animal, while we bow down to a chunk of metal that fits into the palm of our hand. Its time to burn our idols, ladies and gentlemen because the one true God "will come at an hour when we least expect it" (Luke 12:40). And what will we say? When all our toys are reveled for what they truly are? And we can no longer throw a ball, tackle some guys and hope they get a concussion? The things of this world will all eventually waste away. So, I ask you, who is your God?