Single and ready to (stay single)

I realized something relatively recently.

At my age, all of my older siblings were either in a serious relationship, married, or talking about marriage with the one they would eventually wed. The realization hit me so randomly that I stopped for a minute to calculate the math, going through my four older siblings and realizing, that yes, I was the winner.

*Throws confetti*

At 20 years old, I am the self-proclaimed spinster of my family.

I realize many of you are now rolling your eyes, maybe being much older than me and single. A rant already forming in your head that I have no idea what it's like and that I have no reason to complain at 20 years old. Many of you are already mentally preparing the encouraging pep talk you will type in the comments of this post about how I will find my husband once I finally love myself, or that as soon as I stop searching, the man of my dreams will fall neatly in my lap.

Please don't.

That is not what this is for. That is not what I am seeking to gain. I am not looking for the sympathy of my family and friends who want to assure me that just because I am single doesn't mean I am ugly, devoid of a personality, and secretly home to the glaring error that causes all men to run the other direction. I know this. I know singleness is not a curse, in fact, I believe singleness is a gift.

It's common to see women proudly proclaiming they don't need a man, and it's common to see men brag about their bachelor life--no strings attached. I believe these are the wrong motives for singleness. One is about flaunting self-reliance and a battered trust against one, or many, men who have burned them. I.e, a few men have proven to be less than stellar, which means that all men are pigs. A=B, therefore, B=A, a common fallacy. The second is an individual who enjoys the perks of being the available bachelor, able to "be with" many different women, all the while not having to worry about second dates, accountability, or the responsibility of an actual relationship. Also less than ethical.

The kind of singleness I am promoting is also the singleness Paul urges. The singleness that an undivided devotion to Christ is actually better than the divided affection of marriages. Please understand I am not attacking marriage. Paul also writes that marriage is a gift. But in a culture--specifically Christian culture--that links marriage and kids to the life God ordains, I think my focus can be duly centered on the topic most don't mention.

This "content while single" speech is usually only heard at women's conferences for girls in high school, sometimes older. The talk often comes from a married woman, or a single woman in her late fifties that every girl in the audience is praying will not be them one day. The messages are all the same: be content while you are single right now, but singleness is by no means permanent.

It's a temporary state of being to teach girls how to love themselves and not rely on men to provide them with self-worth. The same messages I have been given time and time again by well-meaning family and friends that the reason I am single is because I am doing something wrong. And as soon as I remedy my fatal flaw, I will find the man I have been looking for.

I urge all of you women, and men, to stop giving these messages to young girls, and adult women.

This message teaches that singleness is a punishment. A temporary timeout until we learn our lesson. That marriage and boyfriends are the rewards waiting for us once we finally cross the last thing off our spiritual to-do list.

But if Paul writes in 1 Corinthians chapter 7 that "I wish all men were as I am," (vs. 7) which he does, then what we have been repeating as the mantra of the way to happiness has been false.

By "as I am" Paul is speaking of singleness. Paul was never married. And as an unmarried man, he understood that marriage was a gift and that those who marry do what is good and pleasing in the eyes of the Lord. However, Paul, in the same breath, says that those who do not marry "do even better," (vs. 38). Why does Paul say those who stay single do better than those who get married?

Paul is not saying one is better than the other, rather, one is easier than the other. "An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs-- how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world--how he can please his wife-- and his interests are divided," (vs. 32-34). Paul is looking to spare people from unnecessary hardship and distraction.

At 17, I was convinced I was called to be single. I would reveal this epiphany to close friends and family and the common reaction was quick dismissal. I was being irrational. Of course, I would get married, I just hadn't found the right guy yet. Don't say that they would scold. Or even my favorite, well with that attitude you just might. This is not a collection of careless and ill attempts to encourage and sooth. I have often blundered stupid remarks and responses that I have instantly regretted, scolding myself for my own carelessness and ignorance.

But I am pointing, not to the individual comments, but to a larger culture that thinks there is nothing worse than being single. Singleness is the worst outcome--coupled with loneliness, despair, depression, and isolation. It's a culture that says if you don't have a significant other, you don't anything. Not surprisingly, friendships have also become more shallow and less frequent. Also not surprisingly, people have turned even further away from Christ.

They literally have nowhere else to go other than this idolized "other half" who is going to fix all their issues and be the source of their every need. Relationships increasingly become abusive, unhealthy, and co-dependant because of this phenomenon. We forget the importance of fellowship, of the church, of Christ. An unmarried person in Christ is not a pathetic being, but a fellow believer surrounded by the body of Christ and completely filled with the spirit of the Lord.

Everything we need is found in Christ alone.

Marriage is simply an enjoyment Christ allows, but it is by no means necessary for survival. The Chruch body provides all the fellowship and companionship we need. And Christ provides everything we cannot find in humans who constantly disappoint, destroy, and fail. We have turned from the promise of the perfect and completely fulfilling relationship with Christ, and have instead been seeking in vain to find that perfection in another flawed human being.

No wonder everyone is so unhappy.

I just finished listening to David Platt's sermon titled "Singleness and the Next Generation." Platt also reads from 1 Corinthians chapter 7, reciting the verse that reminds the church of Corinth, but all of us today that "time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they have none; those who mourn as if they did not; those who are happy as if they were not; those who buy something as if it were not theirs to keep; those who use the things of the world as if not engrossed in them, for this world in its present form is passing away," (vs. 29-31).


This world is quickly passing away. Marriage is quickly passing away.

Platt reminds listeners of the fleetingness of life. Marriage does not follow us to heaven, it only exists here on earth. However, the commandment to which all believers have been called exists even outside the scope of human futility--"Therefore GO and make disciples of all nations," (Matthew 28:19).

This commandment stands even in marriage, even in singleness. This world is quickly passing away and the time is short to tell the world about the hope in which we have as believers. Our time should be spent not worrying about if we will ever find someone to fulfill our want of an earthly marriage, but instead on the millions of lost souls who need to hear the gospel. There is so little time and so much work to be done--"It has always been my ambition to preach the gospel where Christ was not known," (Romans 15:20).

In encouraging you, I have found myself encouraged. I am not saying I will refuse the gift of marriage if Christ makes it obvious it is his will for me to become married. But I think, and Platt draws attention, to the notion that only a few are called to singleness.

If you are single right now, you have been called to singleness. Not forever, but maybe. But for this moment in your life, you have been called. Now, what are you going to do with that calling?

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit," (Romans 15:13).






     

 

Broken Vessel

For the past two months I have been working at a horse ranch.

Whenever I inform friends, family, and nosy strangers of my place of employment, the general reaction is "I didn't know you liked horses!"

I then proceed to give my classic awkward laugh and say I didn't know I liked horses either. I never thought about horses, never asked my parents to buy me a pony, and the only time I rode a horse was when our trail guide thought I said I had nine boyfriends when I had told him none.

There have been a handful of times when the Lord has prompted me to do something. A gentle nudge in the direction of the dark unknown. There have been a handful of times when I whispered "I trust you, Lord" and dove headfirst into whatever he wanted to teach me.

Achaius Ranch, located 15 minutes from where I live had never been on my radar. To be perfectly honest, I didn't know it existed and probably wouldn't have been too interested even if I had known. Why does a horse ranch concern me? I wasn't looking for a second job and I wasn't exactly miss cowgirl material.

Lord, I love your sense of humor.

I have begun to recognize the gentle pull of my heart that Jesus performs with such precision. I didn't know why I was feeling the tug as I stumbled across the Achaius Ranch Facebook page. Like birds flying south without understanding the science behind seasons and global temperature, I followed the gentle whisper of Christ and applied to work at a ranch I had never even heard of.

I suppose I assumed the Lord had led me to experience a glorious adventure. You know, riding beautiful horses into the vast sunset. Yeah sure, I would be working with kids but they would all be cooperative and polite and of course eager to learn. I thought maybe Jesus wanted me to have a summer of relaxation and self discovery.

I imagined my first day on the ranch would be something out of a movie where a horse chooses me, being able to see in my eyes that I possess a special quality that he has not found in anyone else. I imagined him trusting me instantly, and quickly becoming my best friend.

You can imagine my surprise when introduced to Sparky, he turned his hind end to me, completely uninterested in the 19-year-old girl wearing dorky rain boots. It wasn't exactly the instant connection I had envisioned. I learned most of the horses had been abused. That some of them didn't trust humans. That the children that rolled up the gravel path were sometimes just as broken as the spirits of the horses.

Sparky wasn't the horse I wanted. He was bigger than the Hafflinger pony Merlin. He is unpredictable and moody. He bites when he is nervous and he spooks easily.

Mostly, he made it difficult when I thought it was supposed to be easy.

I thought I should be able to just hop on a horse, instead of reassuring Sparky for 10 minutes worth of groundwork that everything was going to be okay. I didn't think my getting frustrated and impatient would make any difference to a horse. I didn't know that horses are especially in tune to what we are feeling.

Part of my job is being able to recognize holes in the horse's training. Holes such as being scared of being away from the other horses, or being scared of a child running up to it. I was ready and alert to find and fix all the holes in Sparky. I had my paper and unforgiving red pen to take inventory of all I needed to work on with Sparky.

Little did I know Sparky had his own pen and paper and was taking note of my flaws. Sparky revealed my lack of patience. He revealed my obsession with wanting to be good at everything I do instantly. He showed me how quick I am to frustration and he forced me to control it.

Mostly Sparky taught me how to love him unconditionally. Even when he makes me cry. Even when he knocks me off. Even when he bites me a little too hard.

How is this any different than the way Christ loves us?

We turn our hind end to Christ; pretending we simply forgot to read our bible. Pretending like we aren't fully aware what we are about to do is not pleasing to the Lord. We are not ideal for the Lord. We are broken and dirty sinners, much like horses with emotional baggage and Christ brushes our mane and reassures us that everything is going to be okay no matter how irrational our fears are.

Christ gives us a second chance at life with the message of the gospel in the same way Achaius Ranch has given these broken horses a second chance at a life away from the abuse they experienced.

Psalm 34:18 says "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

Christ uses the most broken and downtrodden to show how great he is and how much his love is able to heal. The healing I witnessed in Sparky was just a finger pointing to the greater healing Christ does in people everyday.

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted but not abandoned; struck down but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body" (2 Corinthians 4:7-10).

When I worked at Twin Lakes my counselor and I would do an demonstration with our campers about the illustration of the broken vessel. A vessel was the pitcher women would have carried water in from the well to their family. It was crucial no cracks or holes were in the vessel or else it became entirely useless.

We took a paper cup and cut out pieces. It is ruined the girls declared. Tarnished. Good for nothing and useful for no good purpose. You can no longer drink water out of it. It belong in the trash can.

Much like we are before Christ.

We then took a candle and set it inside the destroyed cup. Light burst forth from every broken edge and every ugly tear. It became beautiful and useful.

Christ is the light. Made perfect and beautiful in our brokenness.

Healing us from the inside out.